I’m not gonna lie I sometimes feel like that. I remember when I paid off all my debt. I was so proud of myself and then there was that feeling of letdown. The world continued as if nothing monumental had happened. No ticker tape parades, no cheering crowds or people embracing one another. No one cared. I called my mom who did care, and she laughed completely understanding that anti climactic feeling.
There are things I assume come easily for “normal” adults but for me they are difficult. Confrontation, depending on the topic, not a strength of mine. I spent a big portion of my life behind my eyes making up these crazy scenarios of why someone did what they did or said what they said creating so much drama that didn’t exist. I’ve learned to let go of the fiction, but the confrontation part is what I really must focus my energy on now. It does not come naturally.
I’m learning how to be comfortable in uncomfortable situations. Last night I was able to question someone without creating the story. It took that small moment of courage then it was over. The answer was simple and one I would never have created in my mind because it was too simple without any drama and had nothing to do with me. So easy but so hard. The more I practice this the easier it becomes, less hesitation, less fear. This isn’t over. It’s something I must keep practicing with awareness and intention. So many moving parts in one simple action. The intention is just as important as anything. Is my intention for a specific outcome? Do I need reassurance? If so, that can only come from within and getting it from an outside source only solidifies our need for reassurance from others and allowing others to determine our self-worth. No thank you! Is the intention out of anger? If so where does that anger come from, there’s something deeper there. When we pause, we’re able to respond with honesty instead of reacting without fulling understanding what it is we need.
I don’t look back on my life with regret. It’s useless but I do use the past to reinforce the lesson. I was telling my husband about my personal victory and he was proud of me. There will be no parade, no medals, no one else really cares and that’s ok. I am celebrating inside! It feels good and I feel lighter. I will use this as something I can look back on to keep me moving forward and a reminder of how easy things really can be.