I’m having one of those days (well weeks really) when my poor body is paying the consequences of my mind not doing it what it needs to do. The idea of being self-aware bringing you peace isn’t all there is to it and anyone who tells you differently could very well be full of crap. Just knowing something doesn’t always make it better, you still must act on it. The only action I have going on right now is my legs twitching, the continual cracking of my knuckles and the wringing out my hands like a maniacal scientist and yes, I’m picturing Gene Wilder in Young Frankenstein or Mr. Burns from the Simpsons, take your pick.
I’ve been struggling with something for a little while now and while I keep giving myself this time frame to do it I haven’t. I know I will be letting people that I care about down and that is hard for me. I was taught putting yourself first was bad and selfish. It is a way of thinking that has been very difficult for me to let go of. This is something I still struggle with and I’m not sure it will ever be something that comes natural to me. I am glad that I am aware of it and I do know that in some situations it is easier. But then there’s that other side which is why I’ve struggled some much with this.
I moved around a lot. I’ve had more boyfriends than I care to think about and I’ve quit jobs after one day. I was never one to stay in an uncomfortable situation long. If there was an issue, leave, move on, next. I think this is one of the reasons I like yin so much. It continues to teach me to be comfortable in an uncomfortable situation, to just breathe through it. There is a line where on one side things are wrong and on the other side things are uncomfortable and distinguishing between the two is sometimes difficult. Since my past habit is to leave I now make myself sit with it until I realize which it is. If it’s uncomfortable maybe this is an area of growth and if leave it without dealing with it, it will just pop up again later in another form. The balance that I’ve been lacking is taking all the power away from my intuition. I’ve become so fearful of falling back into old patterns that I don’t trust myself/intuition to make the “right” choice. Balance has been an issue for me my entire life. Here it is presenting itself to me once again, but in a different form. I know that when I continue to be faced with these challenges I am reinforcing the lesson, so I am taking comfort in that. I know or rather hope that next time I will be quicker to recognize and to know whether to sit or to run. I will start to build that trust in myself. Now add in the letting people down part of this issue and I have two parts of me battling it out. Two life long struggles pulling me in opposite directions.
After a few weeks of little sleep and lots of neck tension I feel like I can finally confront this. Its like a final exam although we all know lessons don’t just appear once. I’m not going to beat myself up for the length of time it’s taken me to deal with this, that does no good. Instead I’ll take some deep breathes and take that giant step.
It’s been two days since I wrote that. I did the “thing”. I slept! Two nights in a row I slept the whole night through. I am in awe of what the body takes on. My shoulders have dropped away from my ears, I’m sleeping, and I’ve stopped fidgeting. We all have that “thing” we don’t like to face, sometimes it’s big and sometimes it seems insignificant. A tiny splinter in your foot may not rush you to the ER but it can change your day dramatically. I didn’t think my “thing” was that big of a deal because I stopped listening to my body. I ignored every conversation it was having with me and made excuses for all the things coming up. In this life we are not separate from our bodies. We need to listen and honor it just as we would a friend. Peace begins with me and today I will cultivate peace within.