Ripening into me
“You should write a blog.” “Start a blog.” “Oh my god ya know what you should write a blog.”
I am amazed at how often I have heard this and yet most people can’t exactly explain to me why or even what a blog is. Of course, I’ve looked it up and it basically started as an on-line diary which I guess is what I’ll be using it for.
Why? Because I must maintain some level of … maturity? Calm? Neutral appearance on social media if I’m a yoga teacher. Basically, I am supposed to be an example of peace and tranquility. I don’t want to scare off students or potential studio owners. But truly social media is a place for the quick jolt of inspiration and a smile. Here is where I will be my Self, my raw Self growing and changing, the good the bad the ugly and everything in between. I will be honest.
As I write this I have been in this body for 49 years, and I am so grateful it has taken me this far!! Because my body has allowed me to spend this time here I’ve learned so much and am currently going through a huge growth spurt. It is so exciting, and I am so glad I am aware so that I can truly enjoy this one. I guess that is the point of me doing this, to process and share.
Recently I’ve been enjoying a certain amount of liberation. I’ve been able to let go of so much that just isn’t good for me. It took me years to acknowledge what I really need and not just what I created and was too comfortable in to let go of. First and most difficult was a friend. It wasn’t a “death” in the traditional sense but it was a death. My oldest friend, the one I thought I’d share a room with in a nursing home, our relationship had become toxic - actually it always was. There was a small unnoticeable shift in me and one day I just said enough. It wasn’t with any bad feelings or anger. I felt no animosity or hatred. I just let go. What struck me most was not how hard or painful it was but what bothered me the most was how simple it was. I just let go. I kept coming back to that ease and while it’s been a few years every so often I am still amazed my oldest friend and I hadn’t spoken in years and that it’s ok. What else was I holding onto?
Turns out a ton! Every so often I go through all the stuff in my house and I purge. It feels wonderful to get rid of clothes and clutter. Some things people have given me that I decided to hold on to out of guilt or obligation. Clothes that no longer fit or I just don’t like any more. Knick Knacks that only get noticed because they’re in my way and I must move them to dust. Why has it been so easy for me to eliminate the physical garbage which really doesn’t affect my life but not the mental stuff I had been clinging onto for decades.
So, I begin my journey of cleaning out the mental closet. It’s exciting and it sucks! The more I pay attention the more obvious some things become. But, for every obvious piece of mental garbage there was a box I was completely unaware of and those are the scary ones to open. For me, those are the ones that have made the biggest difference.
I have become me lately. I love it. It’s been the craziest trip of my life and I’ve taken a lot of those. I sometimes feel like I’m meeting a new person, but I’ve only just started to clean the mirror and am seeing my refection more clearly. There are some that will know the feeling, some that will get it but not “get it” yet and there are some reading that will not really understand what I am saying and to you, I hope someday you do! I am only at the beginning of this but the joy and calm it has brought me is unlike anything I have experienced. So, I guess it is here where I’ll begin. The ripening of me.