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Just sit with it

Well this is a new one for me and I can’t say I’m digging it all that much. I don’t think I’ve ever really experienced jealously before. It is an extreme uncomfortable feeling and one I’m having a difficult time with. I don’t recommend it.

I am very happy with my life. When I was younger I was working at a bar in Colorado that had live music 7 nights a week. I would see an “older” couple come in a lot and dance their asses off. I loved watching them. I wanted to be just like them when I got older. They didn’t fit into that mold many others their age did. They continued to do what they love and had such a passion for life and lived so comfortably in their own skin. They didn’t seem bothered that they were 20 years older than everyone else and didn’t give a shit what anyone thought… at least it seemed that way to me and I’m pretty sure I’m right. They just seemed… happy. I admired them. I’m happy to say I grew up to be very much like them. I still do the things I love and refuse to put myself in the box that “suits” my age and I really don’t care what anyone else thinks of that. I do what I love for a living, my husband/dive buddy and I go scuba diving several times a year. We go see music and plays, travel, we have dogs and a fabulous vegetable garden and I’m continuing to grow in my spiritual practice. I love my life.

So why am I saying all this? Because I sometimes feel jealousy and I can’t figure out why when I feel so blessed! Since I’ve admitted that to myself I’ve been able to keep it in check- by just acknowledging that is what I’m feeling has lessened it. I’ve meditated on it, dissected the hell out of it and it makes no sense. I would not trade my life with this person I feel jealous of for a million dollars, I truly wouldn’t. There is nothing she has that I want. Her life is somewhat of a mess and she is struggling with so many personal issues. So, with all that why do I still feel this way? I’ve had times in my life when I would have been more “justified” to feel jealous of others but haven’t, so why now? What is going on?

Lately when I start to feel that way I acknowledge it and it sort of just melts away in moments whereas before it would gnaw at me for hours or even days. The fact is though it’s still there. I’ve been able to work through so much in my life and it’s very frustrating to me to have a completely new issue spring up in what seems like out of nowhere.

I love how the mind works. It messes with me big time! It’s a separate entity living inside this body with me and it seems like its sole purpose is to F*ck with me. So, my dear friend, what are you? Ego? Raga? Is there some desire I just can’t place that I’m not completely aware of or willing to admit to myself?

What it all comes down to is this. I must learn, like I have with other things in my life to just sit with it. It sucks, and it doesn’t seem like a solution. Solutions though are temporary. Solutions are not the end all be all I’ve always put my faith in. There are some things in our lives we will never find a solution to and will just have to accept. This is not something I ever even came close to understanding until recently. I had never in my entire life just sat with pain. Not tried to fix it, pull it a part and label it or ignore it all together. If I were to lose a limb there would be no solution. It would be gone. I may get a prosthetic, but I would still need to learn how to live with the situation. There are going to be many things as I grow older I will not be able to “fix”. This body will wear away (as it should) and with that will be adjustments. It’s good practice for me now. It's uncomfortable and frustrating but like everything it’s temporary. I may never figure out why I feel this way. I guess it’s just my mind that needs that answer. Funny thing, just writing this feels like I’m taking away its power. The ego is a very fragile thing. I’ve found that when I acknowledge it’s there it cowers in the corner. Bullies are like that sometimes, when you confront them suddenly they don’t’ have as much to say.

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